


A Goblin Tinkerer’s Regret

by KeioBrainrot



Category: Terraria
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Closeted Character, F/F, Lesbian Character, M/M, Other, Self-Indulgent, Trans Female Character, arms dealer & nurse are exes but they’re on good terms!, f in the chat for the guide, give me arms dealer/guide or give me death, he really doesn’t deserve this shit, the arms dealer is fucking stupid, we stan the clothier & mechanic working through their issues and not hating each other, yes the party girl is trans no i do not accept criticism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26593546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeioBrainrot/pseuds/KeioBrainrot
Summary: When Smador the Goblin Tinkerer was asked to reforge a cell phone by the intrepid adventurer responsible for rescuing him from the caverns, he couldn’t stop thinking about the device and its uses.So naturally, he built one for every person in the small town he lived in, created a group chat, and added all of them to it.This is the resulting chaos.
Relationships: (past) Arms Dealer/Nurse (Terraria), Arms Dealer & Dryad (Terraria), Arms Dealer/Guide (Terraria), Dye Trader & Stylist (Terraria), Guide & Angler (Terraria), Guide & Dryad (Terraria), Guide & Witch Doctor (Terraria), Mechanic & Clothier (Terraria), Nurse & Angler (Terraria), Party Girl/Stylist (Terraria), Witch Doctor & Dryad (Terraria), Zoologist & Golfer (Terraria), Zoologist & Party Girl (Terraria)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 57





	1. The Mistake / The Blood Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! First of all I’m just going to clarify who’s who, since I’ll be using the NPC names from my playthrough. Also note that this takes place Pre-Hardmode on the Mobile version, and as such, NPCs such as the Zoologist, Cyborg, Wizard, Steampunker, and so on will not be present (though they will be added to the chat eventually).
> 
> \- Cole the Guide  
> \- Evvie the Dryad  
> \- Bailey the Party Girl  
> \- Scarlett the Stylist  
> \- Malik the Arms Dealer  
> \- Katelyn the Nurse  
> \- Abdosir the Dye Trader  
> \- Simon the Angler  
> \- Fikod the Demolitionist  
> \- Joseph the Merchant  
> \- Smador the Goblin Tinkerer  
> \- Kogi-ghi the Witch Doctor  
> \- Dawn the Mechanic  
> \- Mauro the Painter  
> \- Fitz the Clothier

[2:20 PM]

Smador created the group chat

Smador added 14 others to the group chat

Smador: Hello everyone!

Evvie: What is this? 

Malik: yo uh what the fuck is this why was it. Outside my door

Smador: Well, you see

Smador: [PLAYER] asked me to reforge a cell phone

Katelyn: Sorry, what does this have to do with anything?

Dawn: he’s getting there, leave him alone

Smador: Thank you Dawn ^^

Dawn: no problem ^^

Katelyn: Ew

Smador: Anyways, as I was saying, after they asked me to reforge it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it

Smador: It was an interesting kind of device

Smador: So, I made a simple approximation of one for all of us to use so we can contact each other!

Cole: That’s smart. Thank you.

Fikod: I sure hope this thing is resistant to explosives

Smador: It’s really not, so please don’t break it

Simon: ew what is this

Cole: Hi, Simon!

Simon: shut up

Malik: so uh

Evvie: Before you say anything there is a CHILD in this group chat so please watch your language

Malik: nah lol

Bailey: OwO what’s this?

Malik: never put that string of words together again i,m warnin you

Scarlett: Sorry we’re late, Bailey and I just found out about the chat! What did we miss?

Katelyn: Stupid people

Scarlett: Is that all?

Fitz: Oh, I wasn’t expecting this- Is this a.. Messaging system of some sort?

Dawn: I uh gotta go

Dawn is offline

Smador: What?

Fitz: I think it had something to do with my arrival, I’m sorry

Fitz: I should probably be leaving as well..

Fitz is offline

Cole: I don’t think they’re exactly on good terms.

Malik: way to fucking go captain obvious

Fikod: Hey so would you all be so kind as to settle a little disagreement we’ve been having

Malik: oh fuck not this shit again

Fikod: Guns or explosives?

Evvie: First of all, neither. And second of all, stop swearing, there’s a child in this chat!

Simon: I regret turning on this phone

Malik: woah there fish boy

Fikod: That’s not an answer! Guns or explosives?

Scarlett: Scissors

Bailey: Um, paper?

Fikod: THAT,S NOT WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT

Malik: this is fucking stupid can you drop it already

Kogi-ghi is online

Kogi-ghi: Gre etiyngs shmuans

Smador: Not a human

Evvie: Not a human

Fikod: Not a human

Kogi-ghi: gretetimgs peorplt

Kogi-ghi: what is rhis stran gw dveice

Kogi-ghi: I apprera r to bw havdmg difsicultg wr it ng

Smador: Oh, right, you have claws

Smador: I can help with that, don’t worry

Abdosir is online

Abdosir: Hello friends

Scarlett: Eyyyy it’s the dye master!

Scarlett: I will let you know that your dyes are not really good for hair-

Abdosir: Ah, I see

Abdosir: They are not intended for hair anyway

Malik: yo

Abdosir: Hello, hello dear ^^

Mauro is online

Abdosir: It seems all of my dear friends are arriving! How wonderful

Cole: Oh, hello there

Bailey: HIIIII

Bailey: What have you been up to

Mauro: Painting! I do wish it wasn’t so dull around here though

Cole: = ) That sounds nice

Malik:

Malik: why did I hear something break

Cole: Hm?

Malik: nvm

Cole: Anyways, that sounds lovely =)

Bailey: I can feel the energy of that smile from two rooms over

Evvie: That smile, I don’t like it

Katelyn: Mauro I suggest you save up some silver to come get treated

Mauro: Oh, what?

Cole: Nothing, never mind

Mauro: Well, I should get back to my painting! I’ll see y’all later

Mauro is offline

Katelyn: Cole being passive aggressive? Never thought I’d see the day, honestly.

Cole: I don’t know what you’re talking about

Malik: annoying bastard

Evvie: Stop swearing, please.

\---

[7:32 PM]

Cole is online

Cole: Smador?

Smador: What is it?

Cole: Is there a way to.. Notify everyone through this chat?

Smador: Do @/everyone, it’s a little command I set up!

Cole: Thank you.

Cole: @everyone

Malik is online

Malik: what the fuck

Abdosir and 7 others are online

Kogi-ghi: tt he devi cr madr nose

Simon: ugh, what is it?

Fikod: ?

Scarlett: Listen hun, keep bothering me and I will rip you limb from limb

Cole: ...As you may have been able to tell by the previous message

Cole: Look outside. Blood Moon.

Katelyn: If any of the stupid zombies dare get in here I am burning this entire place down.

Abdosir: ...Forget the zombies, I would rather be alone to work on my dyes right now..

Malik: where the fuck is [PLAYER]

Cole: Caverns, probably?

Cole: I don’t think the zombies or demon eyes can get in here, though.

Bailey: Maybe if some of us are in a foul mood, we can cheer them up with a party!

Fitz: I’ve noticed that Bailey oddly doesn’t seem annoyed when it’s a Blood Moon, why’s that?

Bailey: Shhh it’s a secret UwU

Malik: what the fuck is a secret UwU

Malik: wait that wasnt what you meant I feel stupid

Katelyn: You “feel” stupid?

Malik: anyways demon eyes are good target practice so imma dip

Cole: Don’t go outside during the Blood Moon

Cole: ...Too late

Abdosir: Oh dear, it seems things have gotten quite chaotic since the creation of this chat

Bailey: It’s always this chaotic but no one aside from the main “chaos group” really notice

Abdosir: “Chaos group?”

Bailey: Cole, Malik, Scarlett, Dawn, and occasionally Fikod and Evvie if Malik can annoy them enough

Abdosir: Ah

Abdosir: I typically do not pay attention to what happens with the others

Simon: that’s for the best if you ask me

Simon: they’re always being stupid

Bailey: Hiii Simon!! Did you find that fish you were looking for?

Simon: no 

Simon: I asked [PLAYER] to get it for me but they’re a lazy bum

Cole: That’s not a nice thing to say about them

Simon: Drop dead

Joseph: They sell me good stock sometimes, they’re not too bad

Malik: zombies in the zombies in the zombies in the house house zombies in the FUCKIGNFM HOUSE

Simon: idiot, you have guns what are you doing

Malik: I,M TRYIGN TO RUN

Bailey: Oh my god turn off your phone

Evvie: If you’re going to die at least do it outside

Cole: Safe at base

Scarlett: Oh, he didn’t die? Shame

Bailey: Guys stop being mean

Evvie: Bailey is a blessing and none of you deserve her.

Katelyn: [PLAYER] just walked in half dead now there’s blood all over my uniform

Katelyn: There are no malpractice laws here, right? Just asking..

Cole: Please don’t kill [PLAYER]

Joseph: Agreed. They’re my main source of income, I can’t lose them

Joseph: Oh, did I say main source of income? I meant close friend

Malik: going to fucki ng sleep I hate everything

Malik is offline

Evvie: Oh same

Katelyn: [PLAYER] just left, thank god

Katelyn: I physically couldn’t stand their whining anymore

Katelyn: “I’m losing blood!” and “I think you’re using the wrong potion!” and “That needle’s too big!”

Evvie: Reminds me of the time they got all whiny because I wasn’t selling Purification Powder

Evvie: They’re so annoying honestly

Cole: I hate to interrupt the trash-talking [PLAYER] session, but it’s almost morning. The sun should rise soon.

Bailey: Yeah, I’m going to bed! See you guys tomorrow!

Abdosir: Are you not going to sleep, Cole?

Cole: I’ll just read instead. I’m not tired.

Bailey: I don’t think that’s healthy lol

Bailey: anyways gn!!


	2. The Nicknames / The Peacekeeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicknames wreak havoc upon the chat.
> 
> The Guide is reminded of something unpleasant.
> 
> The Arms Dealer and the Demolitionist hate each other.
> 
> The Dryad is responsible for keeping the chat in check.
> 
> It's a trainwreck.

[3:04 AM]

Unknown User joined the chat

Unknown User changed Malik’s nickname to so i started blastin

Unknown User changed Katelyn’s nickname to Malpractice Lawsuit

Unknown User changed Kogi-ghi’s nickname to Koggers Cryptid

Unknown User changed Simon’s nickname to feesh

Unknown User changed Scarlett’s nickname to Scissoring

Unknown User changed Bailey’s nickname to Party Rights

Unknown User changed Abdosir’s nickname to Dye-ing inside

Unknown User changed Fikod’s nickname to KAPOW!

Unknown User changed Joseph’s nickname to Payday

Unknown User changed Evvie’s nickname to The Lorax

Unknown User changed Cole’s nickname to Wall-Mart

Unknown User changed Fitz’s nickname to Cursed Bones

Unknown User changed Smador’s nickname to If Lost, Return to Dawn

Unknown User changed Dawn’s nickname to IAmDawn

Unknown User changed Mauro’s nickname to PaintItBlack

Unknown User left the chat

[5:43 AM]

so i started blastin and several others are online

Wall-Mart: Good morning everyone

Wall-Mart: Wait

so i started blastin: what the fuck happened why is my name like this

Scissoring: I. What. What is this supposed to mean.

Scissoring: Smador explain yourself

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Um 

If Lost, Return to Dawn: I had nothing to do with this I swear

The Lorax: ...Is this supposed to be a joke? I don’t understand it

Party Rights: BAHAHAHAH YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES

The Lorax: What

Wall-Mart: Um. What is happening

so i started blastin: wait who’s wall-mart

Wall-Mart: Cole

The Lorax: Oh for heaven’s sake

The Lorax: Who changed our nicknames? This isn’t funny

Wall-Mart: ..I agree..

If Lost, Return to Dawn: I didn’t have anything to do with this I promise, someone joined the chatroom and changed your nicknames

Scissoring: Yeah, I DEFINITELY believe that

If Lost, Return to Dawn: I’m serious!

Party Rights: Let’s not fight! The nicknames aren’t that bad!

Wall-Mart: Speak for yourself

feesh: what. what is this. I don’t like it

PaintItBlack: Black is actually one of my least favorite colors to paint with I don’t like this username

Party Rights: PAINT IT BLACK OH MY GOD SFSDIOQWI

so i started blastin: what the fuck was that are you having a stroke or something

Koggers Cryptid: Thms monekefn sdoes nkt susit me

Party Rights: What

The Lorax: “This moniker does not suit me”

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Oh, sorry about that Kogi-ghi

If Lost, Return to Dawn: I can find a way for you to type easier if you’d like that!

Koggers Cryptid: mbfys tnmjk, gdobl

The Lorax: “Many thanks, goblin”

Malpractice Lawsuit:

Malpractice Lawsuit: Oh hardy har har, this nickname is VERY amusing

so i started blastin: oh hey katy

Malpractice Lawsuit: Yeah, yeah, hi. This nickname is NOT funny! I know I’m not the most sensitive but I do my job, and I do it right!

Koggers Cryptid: Trsmdu hwakng msut trsncand thr bkdry

The Lorax: “True healing must transcend the body”

Malpractice Lawsuit: Yeah, yeah, but [PLAYER] goes to ME for healing and not you, ever thought about that?

Party Rights: Woah woah okay, there’s no need for any of that!!

Koggers Cryptid: I hsvr nw desfir to endtny nin cognlict

The Lorax: “I have no desire to engage in conflict”

feesh: why is it that EVERY TIME I look at this chat people are fighting

Koggers Cryptid is offline

Cursed Bones is online

Cursed Bones: Oh. This. I don’t like this.

Dye-ing inside: This nickname is surprisingly accurate.

Scissoring: Oh, hey

Scissoring: Also that’s a little concerning? Wanna talk about it?

Dye-ing inside: I am just fine, friend! No need to worry

Party Rights: Hmm uh has anyone seen [PLAYER]?

so i started blastin: oh, weirdly no? they visit like almost every day to sell me shit but i haven’t seen em

Wall-Mart: Most of the time they come to ask me how to craft something but, I agree, they haven’t been around

Party Rights: Weird

Party Rights: Fitz your room is closest to [PLAYER]’s house, have you seen them?

Cursed Bones: I saw them once? They’re probably underground

Wall-Mart is typing

Wall-Mart has stopped typing

The Lorax: You good, Cole?

Wall-Mart: I’m fine, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure [PLAYER] won’t be back for a while. They’re building something big.

so i started blastin: wdym? what are they building

so i started blastin: does it have to do with those dolls i’ve seen them with

Wall-Mart: ..Nothing, forget I said anything.

The Lorax: SUBJECT CHANGE

The Lorax: Did you guys hear [PLAYER]’s been making a garden? They bought some planter boxes from me a little bit ago

Wall-Mart: They’ve come far. I’m somewhat proud of them.

Cursed Bones: They were able to lift my curse, I’ll always be grateful to them for that.

so i started blastin: that’s all well and good but where the fuck have they been

Cursed Bones: Underground?

Wall-Mart: I don’t feel well. I’ll probably talk to all of you later.

Wall-Mart is offline

Payday: Now that I think about it, [PLAYER] has been selling me some of those tomes? You know, the ones that have the. The demon scythes?

Party Rights: Don’t you only, like. Get those in the Underworld?

so i started blastin: weird, is that where they’ve been?

The Lorax: It’s very dangerous there, if I remember right.

Party Rights: Yiiiikes

Party Rights: Is Cole okay though?

The Lorax: I hope so. I don’t think he was all that happy with what we were talking about

Cursed Bones: Oh, I get that.. 

Koggers Cryptid is online

Koggers Cryptid: Greetings, Smador has finally found a way to allow me to write using this strange device

The Lorax: Hello, Kogi-ghi!

Koggers Cryptid: Greetings, Evvie

Koggers Cryptid: It seems this device will be useful to communicate with my fellow kindred spirits

Malpractice Lawsuit: You again?

so i started blastin: hey, cool it

Malpractice Lawsuit: I can’t take that nickname seriously. Are you quoting a fucking meme

so i started blastin: I DIDN’T PICK THIS FUCKING NICKNAME

Scissoring: Anyone have popcorn?

The Lorax: Oh my god

Koggers Cryptid: Is everyone always this bloodthirsty?

Dye-ing inside: No, dear, it appears some of us are more prone to quarreling than others.

Dye-ing inside: And by “some of us” I mean Malik.

so i started blastin: eat shit dye bitch

Scissoring: Lmao everyone’s picking on him

so i started blastin: end my suffering

Dye-ing inside: That is a “mood”, as I have heard Scarlett say

Party Rights: G uys that isn’t healthyyy

Malpractice Lawsuit: Take one look around you and ask yourself if any of these idiots truly care about their health.

so i started blastin: she’s got us there

The Lorax: I want to tell people to calm down but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is the calmest it’ll be for a while

Scissoring: Yep, sounds accurate.

Koggers Cryptid: You humans are all very odd

Scissoring: ;3c

Wall-Mart is online

The Lorax: !

Wall-Mart: Ah- sorry about that

The Lorax: Are you okay?

Wall-Mart: Not exactly, but I feel better

KAPOW! is online

so i started blastin: oh fuck me sideways

KAPOW!: No thanks asshole

The Lorax: Here comes the fighting

Scissoring: If you’re gonna duke it out can you do it somewhere no one is at risk of getting shot or blown up

KAPOW!: Wow, presumptuous much

so i started blastin: i’m honestly shocked you know what that word means

KAPOW!: HEY

Wall-Mart: Is it possible to sigh through text

Party Rights: Why are we always the defuserssss

Party Rights: Haha fuse get it

Scissoring: Okay, that was a good one ngl

feesh: every time I look in this chat I instantly regret it. is there a way for me to leave

feesh: there better be

so i started blastin: break your phone

The Lorax: Okay, that’s enough

The Lorax: We all fight so much, I’m getting sick of it

Wall-Mart: Agreed

The Lorax: @everyone Can we have a ban on fighting? All disputes will be had in private

Scissoring: Sounds good to me!

Party Rights: ^^

feesh: if it means I don’t want to destroy my phone after looking at this chat, I’m on board

Koggers Cryptid: That sounds like the most prudent course of action

Dye-ing inside: I wholeheartedly agree, friends

Malpractice Lawsuit: Sure, yeah, whatever

The Lorax: Malik? Fikod?

so i started blastin: ...fine, i guess

KAPOW!: Fine with me

\---

[1:44 PM]

Cursed Bones is online

Cursed Bones: So who wants to bet on who will be the first to break the no fighting rule

The Lorax: No, no, we are not doing this

IAmDawn: Smart, you knew either of the explodey people would lose

Dye-ing inside: It would not surprise me if they were at each others’ throats as we speak

Wall-Mart: We all seem very prone to fighting, I think it’s a good idea that the rule was put into place

Wall-Mart: Which reminds me

Wall-Mart: @If Lost, Return to Dawn

If Lost, Return to Dawn is online

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Hmm?

Wall-Mart: I was thinking maybe you could find a way to give some of the more responsible people control over the chat? Like, the ability to remove people and mute them if they fight?

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Of course, who did you have in mind

Wall-Mart: Evvie

Dye-ing inside: Evvie

IAmDawn: Evvie

The Lorax: Wh

The Lorax: I’m fine with it I suppose?

If Lost, Return to Dawn set The Lorax’s role to Admin

IAmDawn: Yaayyyy

Dye-ing inside: We are relying on you to keep the peace in this chat now

The Lorax: ...Wonderful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Current Usernames
> 
> Cole the Guide - Wall-Mart  
> Evvie the Dryad - The Lorax  
> Malik the Arms Dealer - so i started blastin  
> Kogi-ghi the Witch Doctor - Koggers Cryptid  
> Scarlett the Stylist - Scissoring  
> Bailey the Party Girl - Party Rights  
> Fikod the Demolitionist - KAPOW!  
> Katelyn the Nurse - Malpractice Lawsuit  
> Abdosir the Dye Trader - Dye-ing inside  
> Mauro the Painter - PaintItBlack  
> Smador the Goblin Tinkerer - If Lost, Return to Dawn  
> Dawn the Mechanic - IAmDawn  
> Fitz the Clothier - Cursed Bones  
> Joseph the Merchant - Payday


	3. More Arguing / The Arms Dealer Is A Goddamn Tsundere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha ship go brrr. Also thank you to the people in the comments who expressed their support!! I'm glad you enjoyed this fic!

[5:12 AM]

Scissoring: @Wall-Mart you’re up early!

Wall-Mart: I didn’t sleep

Scissoring: Damn okay

Scissoring: Something keeping you awake?

Wall-Mart: I was reading

Scissoring: Must be a pretty good book if it’s keeping you up lol

Wall-Mart: It’s really not, I’ve read it more than 500 times

Scissoring: God damn. Something else keeping you awake, then?

Wall-Mart: I could ask the same of you

Scissoring: Fair fair lol

Scissoring: I’m just not tired

Wall-Mart: ah

Dye-ing inside is online

Dye-ing inside: Good morning friends!

Wall-Mart: Good morning, Abdosir

Dye-ing inside: You know, I think I rather like this device, it has allowed me to speak more to my dear friends.

Scissoring: I’m sure Smador will be very glad to hear that!

Dye-ing inside: It is much appreciated, yes.

Cursed Bones is online

Cursed Bones: mornin

Wall-Mart: It’s nice to see you, Fitz

Koggers Cryptid and 2 other are online

Koggers Cryptid: Greetings humans

Koggers Cryptid: *People

Scissoring: Nice save lol, good morning Koggers

Koggers Cryptid: Do not call me that

Party Rights: lmao pog

Malpractice Lawsuit: Good morning everyone.

Wall-Mart: Before anyone says anything more I’d like to remind you of the ban on fighting that was put into place last night

Scissoring: Lol are we still doing the bets or what?

Dye-ing inside: I will not participate in the bets but watching this unfold sounds quite entertaining

Wall-Mart: Can we not

Cursed Bones: Look, we all know either Malik or Fikod will be the first to break the rule, it’s just a question of either one

so i started blastin is online

Scissoring: Speak of the devil and he shall appear

so i started blastin: ha ha very funny, which clown college did you attend

Cursed Bones: CLOWN COLLEGES EXIST??

Scissoring: I

Scissoring: No, Fitz, no they don’t

feesh is online

feesh: it’s. way too early for this

feesh: too early to go out fishing and too late to go back to sleep, what a stupid time this is

Malpractice Lawsuit: Good morning, Simon

feesh: shut up

Scissoring: Don’t talk to your mother like that smhhh

feesh: she isn’t my mother. and shut up

so i started blastin: respect your elders kid

feesh: who are you to tell me about respect, you say fuck every other word

Malpractice Lawsuit: He’s got you there.

so i started blastin: i

so i started blastin: yeah fair okay

Koggers Cryptid: Do not taint the children

feesh: shut up lizard man

Koggers Cryptid: *Lihzahrd

Malpractice Lawsuit: I genuinely do not mean to offend but

so i started blastin: 

> I genuinely do not mean to offend

[press x to doubt]

Malpractice Lawsuit: Shut your face

Malpractice Lawsuit: I don’t mean to offend but Lihzahrd is.. An odd misspelling

PaintItBlack is online

Wall-Mart is offline

PaintItBlack: ?

Malpractice Lawsuit: I’m certain it was nothing

PaintItBlack: If ya say so!! How’s everyone on this fine day

feesh: shut up

so i started blastin: is.. is there anything in your vocabulary aside from “shut up”

feesh: I have harsher words, most of which I learned from you

Malpractice Lawsuit: ^ further proof that you need to stop swearing

so i started blastin: heck

Malpractice Lawsuit: You’re on thin fucking ice

Malpractice Lawsuit: Oh no

Party Rights: lmao

feesh: okay I can finally go fish and stuff. goodbye idiots

feesh is offline

Party Rights: Bye little dude!!

so i started blastin: god how do yall put up with the little shit

Party Rights: He’s not that bad!!

PaintItBlack: I mean he and I aint really spoken all that much, but he seems alright!

PaintItBlack: Definitely a bit of a spitfire though lol

The Lorax: I don’t like his disregard for life

Party Rights: Oh!! Hi Evvie!

The Lorax: Good morning, Bailey

The Lorax: Any news on [PLAYER]?

so i started blastin: yeah actually, they bought a minishark from me last night

Malpractice Lawsuit: So why didn’t you say anything last night???

so i started blastin: it happened at like. 3 in the morning. don’t @ me

The Lorax: Huh. I see.

PaintItBlack: Huh wait what’s going on? I’m out of the loop sorry

Koggers Cryptid: [PLAYER] has been acting odd lately, I believe

Malpractice Lawsuit: Maybe they’re preparing for something?

The Lorax: I mean. Fitz is here, which means they were able to access the Dungeon already and fight bone man

Party Rights: Lmao bone man

The Lorax: Which would mean the next step is

The Lorax: …

so i started blastin: ?

The Lorax: Real quick, can you go check on Cole

so i started blastin: i. what?

The Lorax: You’re one room over from him, right? Go check on him

Party Rights: Wait wait what;s going on??

PaintItBlack: I don’t think the dude ever really liked me much but. Yeah I agree, what’s happening?

so i started blastin: he’s fine? he’s. literally just reading

The Lorax: Are you /sure/?

so i started blastin: YES OH MY GOD

so i started blastin: WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT HIM HE’S SO ANNOYING

so i started blastin: I MEAN LIKE OFC I WANT HIM TO BE OKAY BUT STILL

Party Rights: are.. are you okay, Malik?

so i started blastin: ASJDBFBEGR

so i started blastin is offline

Malpractice Lawsuit: What in God’s name was that mess?

Party Rights: Evvie broke your ex boyfriend

The Lorax: I just wanted to know if Cole was alright, I had a bad feeling

PaintItBlack: That went from 1 to 100 alarmingly quick

Party Rights: Evvie I can go check on them if you want!!

The Lorax: Thank you Bailey that would be appreciated

Party Rights: Ok so, progress report! Cole is reading, but his back is facing me

Party Rights: Malik is on the floor

The Lorax:

The Lorax: What

Party Rights: I said he’s on the floor

Malpractice Lawsuit: I /have/ to see this, pics or it didn’t happen

Party Rights: Is there even a camera on this thing?

PaintItBlack: @If Lost, Return to Dawn

If Lost, Return to Dawn: What?

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Oh. Yes, there is a camera

Malpractice Lawsuit: Send pictures immediately

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Wait, what is happening?

PaintItBlack: Evvie was worried about Cole but now it seems like we’re making fun of Malik

KAPOW! is online

KAPOW!: I hath been summoned

Party Rights: this could go so wrong so quickly

The Lorax: Friendly reminder that there is still a no fighting rule in place.

KAPOW!: Booooo

PaintItBlack: The no fighting rule is probably the only reason all of us are still alive, to be honest.

Malpractice Lawsuit: PICTURES NOW

Party Rights: Uh actually

Party Rights: Nah I did what I came to do I’m leaving

The Lorax: What is even happening

Dye-ing inside: I leave my phone for ten minutes and return to this. What havoc have you all wreaked now

Party Rights: I think Malik is dead

Dye-ing inside: I.. what?

KAPOW!: Scroll up

The Lorax: He’s not dead he’s just

The Lorax: Doing.. Whatever it is he’s doing

Dye-ing inside: As interesting as this conversation has been, I am exiting this chat. I will speak with all of you later

Party Rights: bye abdosir!

Dye-ing inside: Farewell.

Dye-ing inside is offline

[12:00 PM]

Payday is online

Payday: what fresh hell have I stumbled into

Scissoring: mood

Evvie > Malik

Evvie: You okay there?

Malik: what.

Evvie: I think we both know if I spoke to you in the chat everyone would instantly start making fun of you

Malik: okay, ouch

Evvie: Stop avoiding my question. Bailey saw you on the floor earlier

Malik: i’m perfectly fine thank you very fucking much

Malik: can we stop fucking talking about this shit it’s embarrassing

Evvie: Embarrassing?

Malik: nvm, fuck off, i’m going to sleep

Evvie: What do you mean sleep?? It’s 2pm

Evvie: Malik?


	4. Fresh Meat / New World Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally got proper Steam Terraria! I'm loving the new update, so the PC-exclusive NPCs are here now too, and you bet the Princess is arriving the second I get her!
> 
> New arrivals shake up the chat, and the Zoologist helps the Party Girl through a certain situation.
> 
> Elsewhere, a hero begins a battle that will change the world.

[8:01 AM]

Scissoring is online

Scissoring: Good morning everyone!

Dye-ing inside: Ah, hello there Scarlett! How are you doing so far, my dear?

Scissoring: !! Abdosir!! Hello!

Scissoring: And I’m doing fine, just fine, haha

Scissoring: How about you

Dye-ing inside: I am absolutely wonderful this fine morning, dear! 

Scissoring: That’s great to hear!!!

Party Rights is online

Party Rights: henlo

Scissoring: Hi Bailey!

Party Rights: Hiiii Scarlett

Dye-ing inside: Hello there, dear

Party Rights: Hi

feesh is online

feesh: morning idiots

Dye-ing inside: Now that’s hardly a kind way to greet your friends, is it dear?

feesh: you’re not my friends

Party Rights: Nawww lol

feesh: whatever, I’m going fishing. see you losers

feesh is offline

Scissoring: Bye Simon!

Party Rights: Bye lol

Scissoring: Mm hey Abdosir?

Dye-ing inside: What is it?

Scissoring: I’m going to try mixing a new hair dye, can you help me out?

Dye-ing inside: Of course, dear! It was smart of you to ask me

Scissoring: Awesome!

Party Rights: Scarlett is super good at what she does lol she’s the one who dyed my hair pink

Dye-ing inside: As expected from our dear stylist. 

Dye-ing inside and 1 other are offline

Party Rights: heheh..

[2:20 PM]

Iamisom and 2 others joined the conversation

3 usernames changed

NotAFurry: Heyy!!!

HoleInOne: Oh?

A L E: ...Very creative nickname I see

If Lost, Return To Dawn: Hey there! Welcome to the chat, sorry I wasn’t able to get you guys your cell phones earlier.

If Lost, Return To Dawn: Please welcome the newbies, haha- I didn’t have enough cell phones to give everyone when I first made the chat, so here they are!

Koggers Cryptid: Greetings Mollie

NotAFurry: Kogi-ghi!! This chat is totally awesome! Is everyone here?

Koggers Cryptid: Indeed

HoleInOne: I guess this does make some things easier.

A L E: Still not a fan of the nickname, but this chat is kinda interesting.

so i started blastin: oh new people, what's good newbies?

Party Rights: YAY

Party Rights: Do you guys like parties?

The Lorax: Hello, welcome

The Lorax: There's a no-fighting rule in place in this chat, so bear that in mind! ^^

HoleInOne: I don't think I even want to question what happened here for that rule to be put up.

so i started blastin: definitely a good call

KAPOW!: He says, as if he wasn't one of the main reasons that rule was put in place

A L E: Hah, nice one Fikod

so i started blastin: shut your face hole, shorty

KAPOW!: Big words coming from someone who wears platform boots

NotAFurry: Oh my god do you have the attention span of a goldfish? You guys were JUST talking about the no fighting rule

KAPOW!: Whoops, sorry Evvie

The Lorax: it's fine just don't do it again

Party Rights: man way to kill the mood lolol

Dye-ing inside is online

Scissoring is online

Scissoring: thanks for the help with the hair dye Abdosir!! It turned out great!

Dye-ing inside: Anything for you, dear ^^ I'm glad it went well.

Party Rights: Ooh, it did?? Can I see??

Scissoring: Maybe in a little bit, Bailey- it's still drying, and I need Abdosir to help if anything goes wrong

Party Rights: Haha okay!! I understand!!

Scissoring: Anyways, it's back to the hairdressers seat for me, see you later then!

Party Rights: Yeah..

[4:10 PM]

Mollie > Bailey

Mollie: Hey gurllll

Mollie: You okay?

Bailey: Totally lol!! Why?

Mollie: Nothing haha, I saw you and you just seemed a bit, like, down in the dumps and that is generally not awesome at all

Bailey: I mean, I'm okay..

Mollie: Alright uh the way you say that makes it sound like something's actually wrong? Did something happen?

Bailey: I guess so, I mean

Bailey: it's kinda dumb actually haha

Mollie: Hey hey listen! No problems are dumb! You can tell me anything you know that right?

Bailey: mmm if you're sure

Bailey: Scarlett's been hanging around Abdosir a lot lately

Mollie: Ooh are you jealous??

Bailey: ,,,

Mollie: Sorry sorry that was pretty sucky of me- carry on

Bailey: Anyways yeah I am kinda jealous,, 

Bailey: She did such a great job on my hair when she dyed it and she's genuinely just such an awesome and cool and colorful person and I like hanging out with her!

Mollie: I mean it's totally normal to, like, feel jealous when your best friend is hanging out with a guy!

Bailey: ,,,

Mollie: wait, that's.. oh boy I think I misread this situation

Mollie: Do you, like. Have a crush on Scarlett?

Bailey: ,,,,,,,,,,,

Bailey: yyyyyeeeeaaahhhhhhhhh

Mollie: Oh my gosh okay I am.. not equipped to handle this, like, at all

Mollie: Umm, maybe talk to her?

Bailey: I can't do that!! She'll think I'm dumb and clingy and then she won't want to talk to me and it'll be a disaster!!!

Mollie: Girl just talk to her as long as you're respectful she'll be fine with it

Bailey: mmmm okay

Bailey: But she's busy right now and I don't wanna disturb her

Mollie: Well that gives you more time to think about what you're gonna say! I've got your back so like, no need to get all worked up, you got this girl!

Bailey: Right-!! thanks

[5:59 PM]

A L E: After scrolling up a bunch, I think I understand why there's a no fighting rule. You all are more chaotic than I originally thought..

KAPOW!: I mean it's nothing if not entertaining!

A L E: To each their own, I guess.

HoleInOne: Damn. Everyone talks a lot more than it seemed like.

HoleInOne: That didn't make any sense but I don't care

Koggers Cryptid: Ah, greetings Harry

HoleInOne: Always nice to see you, Kogi-ghi, what's up?

Koggers Cryptid: Do you perhaps know where your sister is?

HoleInOne: Haven't seen her today, actually. Something you need?

Koggers Cryptid: Ah. Nothing in particular, I was only asking

Koggers Cryptid: I have not seen anyone in person today except Evvie and Mauro, now that I think about it

Koggers Cryptid: And Cole appears to have been absent entirely…

HoleInOne: Can't say I know those people well, but is that a cause for concern or anything?

Koggers Cryptid: I am certain there is nothing wrong.

[3:53 AM]

The Lorax is online

The Lorax: Guys? Is anyone online?

The Lorax: Please

The Lorax: Something is wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mollie the Zoologist - NotAFurry  
> Harry Madison the Golfer - HoleInOne  
> Iamisom the Tavernkeep - A L E


	5. The Ancient Spirits of Light and Dark have been Released

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be either full of humor or full of suffering and you won't know which it is until you read it (also the Tax Collector is here now yay)
> 
> Also I will have you know that I got so attached to my NPCs that after I killed the Wall of Flesh, I murdered the Guide over and over again until he respawned with the same name. In any case, enjoy the chapter ;)

[4:00 AM]

Scissoring: Oh sorry just saw this

If Lost, Return to Dawn: What happened?

The Lorax: The world, it changed somehow

The Lorax: There's more crimson, and part of the world is hallowed too

The Lorax: It feels so much darker now..

Koggers Cryptid: I feel it as well

Koggers Cryptid: The defeat of the world's master and core…

The Lorax: But that means

The Lorax: Oh no

so i started blastin: i'm sorry what the fuck is going on??

Scissoring: Idk but it doesn't sound good at all

Cursed Bones: It appears I have arrived at a very inconvenient time

so i started blastin: it smells like fucking smoke

If Lost, Return to Dawn: That's never good

The Lorax: Malik can you go and check on Cole

Scissoring: Last time you asked him to do that it didn't end well-

so i started blastin: shh we don't speak of that

The Lorax: Go check on him. Now.

so i started blastin: he's not there

so i started blastin: ??

Koggers Cryptid: This feels concerning.

Cursed Bones: Hoo boy

Koggers Cryptid: ..Is there any way to show us what you are seeing? Evvie and I are in the jungle and we cannot check on you currently

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Use the video feature

so i started blastin: wait how

so i started blastin: oh

so i started blastin is now live!

If Lost, Return to Dawn joined the livestream

Koggers Cryptid joined the livestream

The Lorax joined the livestream

Cursed Bones joined the livestream

Scissoring joined the livestream 

-

The phone's camera is pointed at what is presumably Cole's room. On the table in the corner is a long-burnt-out candle, a book laying open on the floor, and charred imprints of a hand and knees burned into the ground.

"It smells like fuckin' smoke in here," says Malik, though his face can't be seen in the shot. It sounds as if he's trying to seem unbothered, but there is a very clear tone of concern in his voice. "What the hell happened..?"

-

The Lorax: Oh dear god…

The Lorax: Where is [PLAYER]?

Scissoring: That doesn't look reassuring at all. Who last saw them?

If Lost, Return to Dawn: @everyone

If Lost, Return to Dawn: Has anyone seen [PLAYER]?

NotAFurry is online

NotAFurry: oh, [PLAYER]? Yeah they just came out of that big quarry thing they made, they, like, look a little beat up though

-

After a long battle, the hero claims their prize. Exhausted yet triumphant, they pick up their mirror and gaze into the glass, falling still as the magic takes them home. Dazed and injured, they stumble towards the residence of their Nurse, wordlessly handing her a palmful of silver coins and allowing themself to be healed. Then, Pwnhammer gripped tightly in their hand, they stand up once more and head towards the caves in search of an altar. There's no time to lose.

Katelyn wordlessly watches them depart with growing concern, a lingering smell of smoke slowly fading as the hero's figure recedes into the distance. Putting away the money, she sits down in the chair in the corner, lighting the wooden candle and leaning against the table. There's no doubt that they had something to do with the commotion in the chat, but what? Evvie knows far more about this than she does, it's worth asking her.

[8:00 AM]

Malpractice Lawsuit is online

Malpractice Lawsuit: [PLAYER] just walked in half dead with bite marks and laser burns all over their body, what's going on?

so i started blastin: there's your answer, evvie

The Lorax: Are they still there?

Koggers Cryptid: Has anything been discovered regarding Cole? It troubles me to think of what may have happened to him..

Malpractice Lawsuit: No, they left. They had a hammer with them.

The Lorax: I wish I knew what all this meant..

Tweed was added to the chat

Tweed's nickname was changed to Financial Support

Financial Support: What is it now? I JUST got out of the damned Underworld.

The Lorax: U

The Lorax: Underworld?

Financial Support: Well, of course. That young whippersnapper down there just hit me in the face with some odd powder and now I feel quite restored to myself.

Koggers Cryptid: Would you happen to know why they were down there in the first place?

Financial Support: I of course don't know the full reason, but I was there long enough to see the young hero defeat some huge monstrosity.

Financial Support: Anyways. Being down there for so long was wholly exhausting, so I'll be taking my leave now.

Financial Support is offline

The Lorax: No,w ait

The Lorax: …

so i started blastin: tf was that??

so i started blastin: seriously, cole better be okay..

NotAFurry: Oh?

Malpractice Lawsuit: Mollie, not now.

so i started blastin: heard about those dolls in the underworld that look really similar to him, maybe you could ask the financial support guy?

Koggers Cryptid: You just reminded me of a very particular instance where Cole said something very unusual indeed

Malpractice Lawsuit: Well, don't keep us waiting. Spit it out

Koggers Cryptid: I had borrowed a book from him about crafting recipes

Koggers Cryptid: I was visiting him to return it, and he was acting very odd

so i started blastin: get to the fucking point

The Lorax: There's no need to be so harsh, but yes Kogi-ghi it would be appreciated if you could quit beating around the bush, so to speak

Koggers Cryptid: Very well. He seemed in a trance of sorts, and when I attempted to shake him out of it he mistook me for [PLAYER] and said something about challenging the guardian of the Underworld

Koggers Cryptid: And that a living sacrifice would be required.

Koggers Cryptid: He sounded sad. I recall feeling pity for him, but.. well.

so i started blastin: holy fucking shit

so i started blastin: is, is he fucking dead????

The Lorax: A living sacrifice…

The Lorax: I really, really hope that doesn't mean what I think it means..

Malpractice Lawsuit: Well, sometimes [PLAYER] dies and then comes back after a little bit of time has passed. Do you think that'll happen with Cole?

so i started blastin: doubt it tbh

Scissoring: Well, [PLAYER] is different from us, so I'm not sure

NotAFurry: huh this is, like, totally confusing and stuff

Koggers Cryptid: The nature of death in this world is very strange.

The Lorax: Is there anything any of us can even do?

so i started blastin: just wait ig..

Scissoring: Right..


End file.
